The music of love reached my character as well and I was forced to roll a new Will save. Having failed it miserably, I was as amorous as Paddy's character and also ran back to find that "lovely female" Goliath.
We met somewhere in the middle (there's a song there somewhere...) and began immediately "displaying" our "affection". I think half the fun of this for Tokyo was seeing how far we would take this, the bastard.
Well, third base will only appease a rock man for so long, so, having previously established that my character's preference for "love tunnels" tended more to the rear, he broke the kiss and turned Paddy around.
Finally, Tokyo allowed an intelligent thought to materialise within our characters. In Paddy's mind, if I were a woman, why would I want to be behind him? As a lady friend of mine can tell you, women generally don't want to be the big spoon.
Still, our sadistic (and possibly closeted) DM made us continue under the ruse that we had no clue that the other was a male. So, Paddy rolled a grapple check and, due to my diminished Strength score (thanks, Rock-Ade), I lost and found (heh) myself face to face with the "gorgeous female" once more. It was then that Paddy's hand found something it wasn't expecting when reaching down to my nethers.
The spell broken, we rushed back into the room of sorcery, characters swearing to never speak of the incident again. The door had appeared and we stuffed our bags full of the food present and got out of that creepy-ass room.
Munching on leftover Gnome and drinking fine wine, we exited the room via the crawlspace and found ourselves in a new room, this one lined with bookshelves overfull with scrolls, the overflow piled on the floor. In the centre of the room was a statue. Tokyo moved to recite the inscription upon it but I stopped him.
"Is it written in Dwarven?"
The look on Tokyo's face was priceless.
"No."
"Then we can't read it." Gleefully, Paddy and I then set about the room. I read one and took quite a bit of damage.
"This one prepared explosive runes today," I muttered under my breath, to which Paddy replied sardonically,
"No metagame references to OotS. Also? Socerery."
As if to prove his point, Paddy read a scroll, which also blew up in his face. Bad times. Deciding not to further explore the scrolls, I had the idea that, if I 'read' the inscription on the statue in the mirror, then I would be far enough away from the effects. I was wrong.
The act of trying to read the words is enough to trigger the trap. The floor slid out from under us and towards the other end of the room. We slide uncontrollably that way, followed closely by all the scrolls and the bookshelves that held them. Paddy passed his reflex save to avoid damage; I did not.
I slammed into the end of the ramp beneath us, followed closely by the heavy oak bookshelves. Then by Paddy. I was down to one HP and Paddy wasn't doing much better. Also of note; we could feel that the scrolls had unfurled. So, eyes closed, we blindly groped our way into a hallway far from the opened pages of explosiony death, and we slept. For days. Only interrupting ourselves to eat and shit, using the parchment as wipe.
Well fed and rested, we finally move into the next room. There is a pulsing red orb in the centre. There are also two guillotines on either side and a doorway past the orbs. As we step closer to the orb, the ruby pins in our wrists (one in my case, both in Paddy's) begin to vibrate. The closer you step, the more it vibrated. So, I decide to walk up and touch it. Apparently, this was a fatal mistake, as when I touched it, the orb exploded and I died from the shards shredding me to pieces.
Paddy and I had a long discussion with Tokyo over how the entire dungeon was bullshit at this point (interesting side note; as I finish typing this, I am listing to three of my other friends [CK, Melonie, and recurring character Jimbo Baggins] suffer through this exact dungeon. They are telling Tokyo the same thing; this dungeon run sucks) and essential insta-death should have more warning than "the thing in your wrist(s) vibrates.
Angry and fed up, I sat there and morally encouraged Paddy to finish. After my death, he picked up the magic mirror (of the "only one shall live" fame) and screamed.
"ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!?!" He picked up my corpse, cause we're bros like that, and moved past the shards and out the hallway. After some minor twists and turns, Paddy found himself facing a ladder. He climbed out to sweet, sweet freedom.
Finally emerging from the ground like a vampire given new life, he scans the area. It's the plantation we found ourself at before we were DM fiated into the dungeon in the first place. Paddy sees a nearby tree and grabs the largest branch he can and breaks it off to form a club befitting our Goliath heritage.
He stalked into the place, headed towards the largest building. Two armed guards stood blocking the doorway. They said something to Paddy in common, but even if he had understood it, I don't think it would have mattered. It was ragey fun times.
Paddy took the first one below half health in one blow. His partner fled in terror, presumably to alert more guards, while his injured companion threw down his sword and begged for mercy. Paddy picked up the weapon and promptly slew his pleading foe, lopping the head off to insure that no extra damage came to the armour. He then picked up the corpse and headed off behind the nearby farm.
As the rain began to fall, Paddy looked into the sky and screamed in frustration, mourning his fallen brother and our wasted five hours of lifetime.
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