The Brothers Stone: Part 3; There Be Sorcery Afoot!

Awakening, our characters found themselves completely devoid of arms and armour and nude except a tiny loincloth that did little to cover our previously defined largeness.  There was also a third character in the room; a gnome who still slept.  Before we could react to this new person, the walls began closing in.

Tokyo Joe gave us a quick rundown of the room.  Now Paddy, upon character creation, had taken ranks in Spellcraft.  Why?  Who knows, but he used this opportunity to make a check before Tokyo could finish his description.

"Do I detect any sorcery?"

"No," Tokyo responded with a bewildered look, " but you do see three holes in one of the walls that isn't moving to crush you to death."  We ran to them.  Paddy put his hand tentatively into one of the gaping maws to find a lever.  He turned it to no effect.  I did the same to identical result.  Sensing that our new 'ally' wouldn't wake up in time to insert his hand and pull the lever in the third hole, Paddy drew the short straw of the roll-off and his character put his other hand in and we pulled simultaneously.  After a bit of pain our arms came back with ruby studs through the wrists and a door opened.

Grabbing our tiny 'friend' with my bedazzled arm, I slung him over my shoulder and followed Paddy out of the room.  We entered a hallway that went on for a while before entering another room. 

We spotted a mirror in the centre of the room but before we could look at it our tiny friend woke up.  We dealt with the usual "who are you" type of questions (all in Dwarven) for awhile.  Then we looked in the mirror.  A lot.

The mirror told those who looked into it and failed a will save that "There will be only one".  Paddy, the first one to look into it, made another Spellcraft check, failing miserably.

"Do I detect any sorcery?"

"No."

Paddy turned to me before shaking his head.

"No sorcery."

While I passed the save after looking into the mirror, the gnome did not and our newfound compatriot quietly flipped shit in the corner.  I took the mirror back and tried to find an exit.  I looked into it and spun around, trying to detect any doors that were only visible when viewed in the mirror itself.  No dice.  Finally, I had an idea.

"The gnome needs a jewel."  With this profound statement, I ripped my tiny banana-hammock off and, catching my drift, Paddy did the same.  The look of horror on Tokyo's face was priceless.  When I stepped towards him the little bastard fled in terror down the hallway and back into the other room.  Perfect!

Paddy and I arrived in the room, completely naked with loincloths in hand, our hugeness dangling as we walked.  You could almost see the gnome's mesmerized look of fear as he watched them swing...  Anyhoo, we grabbed him and he whimpered pitifully.

Paddy took him to the wall with the holes in it and wrapped his speedo around the lever inside while I did the same.  Eventually coming to the conclusion that we didn't want to rape him, gnomeo did what we told him to and pulled the third lever.  Nothing happened.  We tried this a few times in different arrangements but the results were the same.

After giving up, we turned back down the hallway to the room with the mirror.  Along the way, the gnome decided it was time to talk.

"Can... can you please put your clothes back on?"

"... no."

The matter settled, I picked back up the mirror and looked into it.  This time, I failed the will save.

"There will be only one."

Deciding that if there was only going to be one of us make it out, it would be either Paddy or myself.  So, I grabbed the terrorized gnome by the leg and began bashing his head against the wall.  Tokyo did not respond well.  Paddy and I laughed.  (Usually we are not this abusive of our DM's, but Paddy and I, like the majority of our group, despise railroading; better to break him of the habit early.)

As his lifeblood pumped out of his skull and with Tokyo Joe and Paddy staring at me, I used the blood to coat the walls in an effort to reveal any cracks where a hidden door might be.  Despite my ingenious idea, we found ourselves with no way forward.  I smashed the mirror against the wall in frustration, only the mirror didn't break.  It wasn't even scratched.  Inspired by two different circumstances, Paddy and I came to three brilliant ideas.

Paddy, noticing that the gnome didn't have nearly enough blood to coat the walls with, and picking up on our rumbling tummies, decided to used the table upon which the mirror had been found and start a fire.  The smoke would reveal our door while also adding a nice smokey flavour to our gnome-shapped meal.

My idea was to use the mirror as a pick to break through the walls.  Once Paddy voiced his idea, I waited to implement mine until we found the door.

We had to take some time to explain to Tokyo that one can indeed make fire from two sticks (apparently this isn't common knowledge in California...) and, one successful Survival check later, the sweet smell of roasting gnomeflesh filled the room.

While Paddy cooked, I took the time to try and detect a hollow spot in the walls of the room.  Once I found what I was looking for, I sat back and hoped the smoke that was beginning to fill the place would confirm my suspicions.  Alas, it did not.

Feasting upon our fallen comrade did wonders for our spirit.  We put out the fire and toiled away, using the mirror as a weapon against the stone door.  We raced against the clock and our own fatigue and though we made some progress, it wasn't nearly enough.  Just as we were about to suffocate, the door opened.  Greg had us roll another Survival check to determine that we had been conscious roughly a day.  There will be only one, indeed.

Moving forward led us into another room, this one with a bowl of wine, slabs of bread and bedrolls.  Upon entering the room spoke.

"Eat, drink, sleep."  This was followed by the sound of Paddy's dice.

"Do I detect any sorcery?"

"No."  Paddy turned to me once more.

"No sorcery"

That nugget tucked away, sleep sounded good to me and drink likewise to Paddy, so we performed our respective tasks.  Paddy, failing a Fort save, found himself drunk on one glass while I, whenever I awoke, found that I felt no more rested than I had before laying down.

Eventually we tried the bread, which was delicious but only increased our hunger, which we abated by eating more smoked gnome.  Combined with the wine, it was quite the feast.  Coming to the conclusion that the only way forward was to capitulate to Tokyo's demands, we performed all three tasks and, upon awaking, found the way forward visible.

Gathering our things, which included the talking mirror from room two and the talking table from room three,  we picked up the bedrolls and stuffed the remaining bread and gnome into one and marched forward.

In the room was a curtain of fire on the far side and four spigots with pictures over them on the near wall.  The room spoke.

"I have lost my love but don't know where to find him.  His friend says he is in the other room.  Where is he?"

Before Paddy could reach for his dice, Tokyo stopped him.

"Sorcery."

Paddy then turned to me, a big smile on his face.

"Sorcery."

The matter settled definitively, we turned to the spigots.  The plaques above them were, in order, water, sand, paper, and rock.  Being a Goliath, I of course grabbed the rock one and drank.  Boom, -5 points of strength, no save.  Greatly weakened, I turned to Paddy.

"Your turn."

He moved to the next one, paper.  He drank from it and then walked through the flames.

"Try the next one."

I was so happy that my character was intelligent enough to realise that Paddy referred to the one that he had taken (the one next to mine) and not the one beyond that.  Having done so, I followed down the hallway after him.

We came to another room, this one filled with a feast.  A proper feast mind you, not that we minded dining daily upon gnome.  Before we could begin eating, I was instructed that I found a beautiful Goliath woman in the room.  Paddy was informed that he witnessed a beautiful Goliath woman enter the room.  Bad times.

"Forgive me, madam," I began, "but I seem to have lost my brother.  I just followed him in."

"Funny," the Goliath woman with Paddy's voice responded, "my brother was supposed to be right behind me."

At this point, we try to explain to Tokyo that we had obviously discovered that magic was afoot.  Even Paddy's muttered 'sorcery' apparently wasn't enough to clue our characters in to the reality of the situation. 

Before we could revolt, music began to play.  Will saves were rolled and my character, having failed, fled in abject terror all the way back to the room we awoke in.

Paddy, after stuffing his face, tried to track down the source of the music.  He had it cornered once, only for it to climb the wall and sound back behind him again.  Before frustration could set in, a second Will save was rolled, which Paddy failed.  He found himself just as amorous as I was scared and he ran down the halls in search of the 'attractive female' Goliath who had moments ago ran screaming out of the room.  He had some urges to take care of.

The Brothers Stone: Part 2; the Fuckoning

So, picking up where we left off months ago....

By this time the dwarves around me were incredibly nervous and thanked their maker when I chose to turn around rather than attempt to forcibly free my brother.  Their stubby little legs strained to keep up with my long strides as I found the man in charge, a human in gaudy pirate regalia.

I stood idly while he concluded his business.  When he turned to me, I motioned for pen and paper.  Once supplied with a quill and ink as well as paper, I began communicating with my saviours in the only way I knew how; stick figures.

I drew myself, large hammer and all, and pointed to myself.  He nodded.  I drew another image of myself, but this time with a huge sword in place of my hammer. Then I drew a cage around the second image. I pointed belowdecks.  He nodded.  I drew another set of images identical to first but this time I left the cage off of Paddy.  The captain nodded reservedly.  I then drew a third set of figures, but this time I drew a cage between us.  I pointed to myself, then belowdecks, then I mimed carrying a cage.  He nodded once more and, grabbing some guards in the event things went south, we headed back to Paddy.

Once there, I informed Paddy of what sort of work would be involved in his release.  Trusting in his older brother's wisdom, he did not question why we were helping the people who had almost killed him.  I showed him to my our room.  I only had room for one cot, so we had to take turns sleeping.  Still, it beat a cage covered in one's own excrement. 

Before he could rest, however, we were escorted back to the beach to continue working.  After a days hard labour, we took a quick dip to wash away the sweat (and the shit, in Paddy's case) before going back to the room.  Once we had eaten, we slept and prepared ourselves for another day of work.

Paddy and I, not limited by the slow speed of the dwarves, moved the cages as fast as they came to us.  About midway through the day, cages bearing familiar faces came into view.  Our village had been capture.  They looked to us, hope welling in their eyes that we would somehow free them from their fate.  I locked eyes with the village elder.

"Tiny metal men are real funny now, aren't they?"

Once the out of game laughter had ceased, Tokyo Joe said that the villagers wept openly and spat at us as we mocked them while carrying them into the hold.  I was especially rough with the elders' cage, jostling it as much as I could, laughing all the while.  I had officially taken my first step towards evil and I loved every last second of it.

With all the cages loaded, we eventually set out to sea.  It took two weeks for Paddy to learn the Dwarven tongue.  I didn't pick it up nearly as quickly but I had a good head for their alphabet that Paddy lacked.  Having learned the tongue of the natives, I did what any sane pirate who had turned on their people would do; I asked for a concubine.  Paddy had to translate my demands, of course, but still.

We brought our request before the captain who grinned knowingly.  He led us back down to the now cramped hold.

"Pick one out," he said to Paddy, who relayed it to me.  I pointed to a woman who I envisioned having turned down my character's advances at some point in his fictional past.  The captain, seeing her relative beauty, shook his head and pointed to a more comely Goliath girl.  I nodded.  She would do.

So, after rolling for penis length (we were quite large, apparently; I didn't know that I was capable of jealousy towards one of my characters' fictional junk before that day), we eventually made it to our destination, wherever that was.  A huge bazaar meeting place full strange creatures was where we were taking those deserving captured souls below.  After unloading quite a large number of cages, we were instructed to grab one last load.  On our way belowdecks, a cage of our own dropped down atop Paddy and I.

Thinking that perhaps some unfortunate mishap had occurred, Paddy tried to communicate with the pirate leader.  Sadly, this was not an accident.

We were informed that we would fetch a handsome price at the auction.  As Paddy and I pleaded our case with the pirate captain (and Tokyo Joe) that we were relatively cheap labour that was far more efficient than the Dwarves they had on hand, I quickly got the sinking feeling that we were being railroaded.  And I was right.  Once logic and wisdom failed to sway the rookie's mind, we hopped aboard the Fuck You express and were delivered to the next pre-rendered plot point, the auction.

Once there, we endured the taunts of our former Goliath folk.  Paddy and I ignored them and instead focused on trying to prove our worth to anyone who came by.  Paddy spoke to them in fairly fluent Dwarven but this disgusted most people (apparently, the 'help' talking to them pre-sale was quite... unseemly).  However, we finally found someone who was intrigued by talking brutes.

I did what I could to impress our potential purchaser by flexing my muscles.  Paddy wove a tale of woe before pointing out our selling points.  Beside our obvious strength, Paddy indicated my armour and my weapon (something that the dwarves had, after a failed sleeping dart that would have knocked out a mammoth, never possessed the courage to attempt to disarm me in the cage).  He told them that he had made my armour and I the weapon.  We would make good smiths, given the proper tools.

Evidently we drove the price up quite a bit, netting 10,000gp each.  Once the transaction was complete, we were loaded onto a wagon and hauled off.  Our people, what few remained, mocked us even more furiously.  I had the perfect answer to wipe off the smug satisfaction from their faces, though.  I had paid attention to the prices that our people had been sold for.

"Even as a slave, we're still worth more than the rest of the tribe combined."  Ah, their misery was delicious and we had the last laugh over those useless gits.

We travelled for a few days, never once being let out of the cage.  Eventually, we reached our destination; a large plantation.  A hooded figure came out to greet us.  Before we could do anything, we had to make a will save, a save that my 19 on the die failed.  Ugh.  DM fiat... go.